


years of thought without release

by sapphire2309



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Grief, Implied/Referenced Immortal Husbands, M/M, Protective Alec Lightwood, Self-Harm, Self-Worth Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-04
Updated: 2019-12-04
Packaged: 2021-03-03 17:35:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 558
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21673255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sapphire2309/pseuds/sapphire2309
Summary: It only happens when he's gone too long.'Too long' is a subjective measure. It pretty much translates to 'how long it'll take for Magnus to feel utterly alone in the world.'It's happened only a handful of times across the centuries they've been gifted, but it never hurts any less.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Comments: 8
Kudos: 109





	years of thought without release

**Author's Note:**

> Please heed the tags.
> 
> Inspired by [this gifset](https://wlwbaudelaire.tumblr.com/post/175420562533) by [wlwbaudelaire](https://wlwbaudelaire.tumblr.com/) on tumblr.
> 
> Title taken from Scarlet by Brooke Fraser.

It only happens when he's gone too long.

'Too long' is a subjective measure. It pretty much translates to 'how long it'll take for Magnus to feel utterly alone in the world'.

Alec knows the roots of this kind of thing, knows where it comes from. Fuck, he's known it himself. It breaks his heart to see it in Magnus, but he _understands_ it. He knows what to do once he's there and can gauge how bad it is.

It's happened only a handful of times across the centuries they've been gifted, but it never hurts any less.

-:-

"Magnus?" Alec calls. He'd activated battle runes and sped to a portal as soon as he'd caught the fire message, but just like every other time, he's terrified he's too late.

"In here." Alec's insides clench painfully; Magnus's voice is so low and _dull_. He follows it through their bedroom to the bathroom, braced for what he knows he'll find, but somehow, just like every other time, not prepared enough.

There's blood on the floor, blood crusted along Magnus's hands, bloody lines opened along both his forearms, tear tracks on his cheeks. Knowing that Magnus has healed the worst of the damage doesn't make it any better.

(Alec has told him before that he can heal himself completely before calling, that he doesn't have to hold up his wounds (or lack thereof) like mission reports to be proofed, but Magnus says it helps him to have someone else witness the aftermath. Alec thinks Magnus is finding more creative ways to hurt himself, but he doesn't call him on it, just in case he's wrong.)

Magnus looks up at him with tired eyes. "I buried myself in work when I started feeling the itch, and it worked. Till today."

Alec sinks onto the floor next to Magnus and opens his arms to him, lets Magnus decide when to fall into them, how to situate himself, where to hide his face.

Magnus curls into his chest and places his hand over Alec's heart, seemingly trying to absorb it into his own being, before speaking. "A Warlock child was found alone, in one of those godawful cramped apartment complexes. His mother was just... lying there, dead. Right next to him."

Alec runs a hand through Magnus's hair, letting his nails graze against scalp.

Magnus clears his throat. "Anyway, a Seelie Knight found him, brought the situation to my attention. I rehomed the child, took care of the body, and then came home and found my mother's keris at a _most_ inopportune moment." Magnus sighs shakily. "I thought it was okay. I thought I was okay. I really did. It just... hit me out of nowhere."

Alec holds Magnus more firmly against himself and hums, a deep, low sound that rumbles through his chest in a soothing way. He hopes Magnus feels it the same way.

"I fire-messaged you as soon as I realized what I'd done. How bad it was. I _swear_ I did."

"I know you did, my love," Alec murmurs into his ear. "I'm here now. I have you."

Magnus presses his face into Alec's shoulder and _shudders_, his body wracked with sobs. Alec absorbs the motion and swallows his own sorrow for later. This is about Magnus.

"I have you," he says again, and Magnus nods and holds him tighter.

**Author's Note:**

> The story continues in [night has always pushed up day](https://archiveofourown.org/works/21683968).


End file.
